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Post by ;lost&insecure; on Jul 26, 2008 17:39:53 GMT -5
Emberlight lifted her head, hope shining in her eyes. Maybe I won't be a failure after all! The golden tabby stretched out, leaving more space for her third kit, pushing his sister, Sparkkit away from Ripplekit so Grasskit could suckle. Ripplekit mewled in protest, but, feeling another warm, familiar body beside her, the mewling died down. Oh StarClan, please let this work!
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Post by lord of all yellow mice on Jul 27, 2008 19:55:47 GMT -5
Sparkkit, too, whined as she was pushed aside so her brother could suckle, but eventually settled back down.
"Sorry, Quietshadow." Duskfur hung his head a little. "I guess I was just afraid of hurting him. I-I really want to help Grasskit, but..." He swallowed. But I don't want to try to help and make a mistake. "I'll help lick him after he's had some milk, then, I guess." He'll be stronger then... I hope.
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Post by Tiger on Jul 28, 2008 9:11:23 GMT -5
Quietshadow took a step forward. "Duskfur," he meowed, "Grasskit won't get any milk unless you help him. It's a father's instinct to help his kits and you're not going to hurt him unless you try to hurt him. Trust me."
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Post by lord of all yellow mice on Jul 28, 2008 19:32:46 GMT -5
Duskfur squeezed his eyes shut. "Well, if you're sure..." He stepped forward, and gently nudged Grasskit with his nose, trying to make sure the kit had enough room. He didn't really feel like a father, he realized - it was a role that seemed too big for him, too difficult to suddenly squirm into. Next to the tiny kits, especially Grasskit, he felt so big and awkward. He pulled back slowly, watching the splotchy tabby carefully. He seems to be doing okay now... He glanced at Quietshadow nervously, not knowing how to act next.
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Post by Tiger on Jul 28, 2008 19:50:17 GMT -5
"Try licking again," Quietshadow suggested. There was a flat tone to his voice as he glanced at Duskfur. What made his voice so unusually...different wasn't what it had, but rather, qualities it didn't have. There was just a drop of foreboding in the medicine cat's tone, but that one drop coulded the whole lake of words.
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Post by lord of all yellow mice on Jul 29, 2008 9:36:47 GMT -5
Duskfur sensed the dark tone in the medicine cat's cat's voice, and couldn't help but shudder. He stood still for a moment, his mind racing as he looked from Quietshadow to Emberlight. As long as I'm gentle, I won't hurt him, right? He lowered his head, and licked Grasskit slowly, his tongue barely pressing beyond his fur. He wasn't able to sink into any kind of rhythm - he could feel the frail line of the kit's tiny backbone, and as he thought of how easily it could break, he became frightened again. Like a blade of grass...
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Post by ;lost&insecure; on Jul 29, 2008 11:03:00 GMT -5
Emberlight rested her tail on Duskfur's as he licked Grasskit lightly. He'll be OK, right StarClan? You won't take a newborn kit from BeachClan, will you? She sighed, beginning to lick one of the other kits, Sparkkit, just for something to do. She felt her eyelids droop with fatigue, but she refused to fall asleep until she knew that her son would be alright.
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Post by lord of all yellow mice on Jul 29, 2008 16:52:17 GMT -5
As he felt Emberlight's tail touch his own, Duskfur tensed for a moment, then relaxed and let her comfort him. He glanced up from his licking, and watched Emberlight as her tongue moved across Sparkkit's fur. She looked tired, he thought - should he mention it? No... Quietshadow would probably notice sooner or later. Thinking of the medicine cat, he remembered how his voice had sounded earlier. Is he mad at me? Am I just too incompetent as a father?
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Post by ;lost&insecure; on Jul 31, 2008 12:04:09 GMT -5
Emberlight stopped grooming Sparkkit. She yawned, but refused to rest. She began licking Ripplekit, who was squirming against her belly. "It's alright, Ripplekit. Everything's alright," she soothed. When she was finished grooming the second kit, she stopped, forcing her eyes to stay open and watch Duskfur licking Grasskit.
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Post by lord of all yellow mice on Aug 1, 2008 11:06:38 GMT -5
Sparkkit, feeling the warmth of her mother's licking leave her and move on, tried to shift closer to her brother. Duskfur tried to nudge her away with his muzzle, and continued to groom the smaller kit. StarClan, have I licked this kit enough yet? He looked up at Quietshadow, his expression asking the same question.
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Post by Tiger on Aug 1, 2008 20:31:57 GMT -5
Quietshadow slightly frowned and took a step forward. "Duskfur, Emberlight, you haven't done anything wrong..." His voice trailed off as he sniffed the damp-furred Grasskit and gave him a lick behind his ear. The medicine cat cleared his throat to face the two cats. "Do you want the news straight up or would you like it sugarcoated? Don't worry about Sparkkit and Ripplekit hearing; they won't remember any of this."
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Post by ;lost&insecure; on Aug 2, 2008 13:01:05 GMT -5
Emberlight looked up at Quietshadow. "Er...Straight up, I guess," she said gloomily. "No point in pretending everything's OK." She licked a tuft of hair sticking up. "Grasskit's going to die, isn't he?"
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Post by Tiger on Aug 3, 2008 19:33:00 GMT -5
Quietshadow nodded grimly. "I'm sorry, Emberlight, Duskfur," he meowed quietly. "You didn't do anything wrong, I swear. Some kits are just too weak to live. It's hard to accept this, but it's just a fact of life, you know. It's hard to get over." He lowered his head and glanced at the two she-kits who would live to warriorhood unless something went really wrong.
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Post by lord of all yellow mice on Aug 3, 2008 19:58:47 GMT -5
He's going to die. Duskfur repeated the words to himself over and over again, trying to make sense of them in his blurred mind. Death... the very thought of it caused him to visibly shake. He knew that Grasskit didn't deserve to wither away while he was still so young, but as Duskfur watched the kit something else came to mind - a thought he wished he could avoid. I'm glad it's not me. He wondered if he'd thought the same thing all those moons ago as he'd watched the other kit die. Why was he being so selfish? He was worried for Grasskit, and he knew it. He needed to get out of the nursery; he needed to think. "Emberlight," he meowed wealky,"Do you mind if I, uh, leave for a moment? I need some time alone, and..." His voice trailed off.
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Post by ;lost&insecure; on Aug 3, 2008 20:41:33 GMT -5
The words seared into Emberlight's mind. Weak, weak, weak. I'm already a horrible mother. She didn't even hear Duskfur speak she just looked into open space. Everything disappeared right in front of her. All she could see was blackness, the void which Grasskit would leave for her. The golden tabby just stared straight ahead. She felt like something was pounding on her head. Fatigue was forgotten, her two other kits were forgotten. All she could think about was death, death, death. It seems Clan life is coated in that. Death. While Sparkkit and Ripplekit live, my little tom will be sitting above me in StarClan and there is nothing I can do. I'm a hopeless parent and I don't deserve these kits.
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Post by lord of all yellow mice on Aug 4, 2008 15:48:39 GMT -5
"Emberlight?" Duskfur whispered again. He could tell how traumatized she seemed to be; more than himself even. Was it because her connection with their kits was stonger than his? Or because she cared more for other cats than he did? He didn't want to be so self-centered when they had Grasskit to worry about, he didn't...
Maybe he shouldn't go outside; maybe he should stay to comfort his mate instead. And yet...
"I'll be back," he meowed, then mumbled, "Need some fresh air..." Light was filtering in through the bushes, and the nursery wasn't particularly full, yet it felt so crowded...
He headed for the entrance.
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Post by ;lost&insecure; on Aug 4, 2008 17:27:46 GMT -5
The golden spotted tabby didn't hear him leave. All she could do was stare into space. How could I let this happen? Did something happen to them when they were in my stomach? Did I hurt them? Emberlight put her head in her paws and wailed, a slow, mournful sound. Ripplekit and Sparkkit jumped, but Grasskit didn't move. She picked up her head and looked at her kit. She nosed him softly, feeling for his heartbeat. There was none. She let out another mournful wail, louder this time so the whole camp could hear. Ripplekit jumped again, starting to mew pitifully.
"I'm a horrible mother! I don't deserve these kits!" she cried. She licked her deceased kit, making his coat shine for StarClan. "Why, StarClan, why?" She turned back to her other kits, beginning to soothe them but her heart wasn't in it.
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Post by Tiger on Aug 4, 2008 20:13:20 GMT -5
"Emberlight," Quietshadow meowed firmly, "it's not your fault. You're not a horrible mother. Even the most experienced queens who have been having litters fine for seasons lose kits. He's in a better place. Trust me, I walk in StarClan every half-moon. Grasskit was destined to live, just not here among us. You'll see him again. But for now, you've still got your two daughters to take care of."
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Post by ;lost&insecure; on Aug 4, 2008 21:10:21 GMT -5
Emberlight kept up the horrible, mournful wailing. "It's all my fault! If I had been a good mother Grasskit would still be alive! You're lying to me!" She looked at her other kits. "You deserve a better mother than me. I don't deserve you!" She licked her two sleeping kits. She looked at her other kit, Grasskit, who was among the ranks of StarClan too soon. "I hate StarClan! How could they take such a young thing? They have it out for me! I'm destined to be alone!" The golden tabby let out another wail, even louder. "How could I let this happen?"
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Post by Tiger on Aug 5, 2008 9:12:39 GMT -5
Quietshadow exhaled softly. "Okay. I'll need to get some chamomile for you now." He didn't elaborate on why the herb was neccessary because he didn't think Emberlight would be pleased if he wanted to calm her down with it. The medicine cat padded out of the nursery and retrieved some chamomile from his den. Before re-entering the nursery, he stepped to the side and glanced at Duskfur. "Can I talk to you about this, please?" he meowed.
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Post by lord of all yellow mice on Aug 5, 2008 23:12:36 GMT -5
Duskfur could hear Emberlight's mournful wailing from outside, and squeezed his eyes shut. Could he really be... He tried his best to slow his breathing - being outside of the nursery wasn't helping him in the least. When Quietshadow appeared at the entrance, he jumped backward a little. Getting supplies for Emberlight? He could probably do with some himself - he was shaking uncontrollably.
He nodded quickly in response to the medicine cat's question, though he wasn't sure he'd be able to speak all that well.
<ooc>
Do you mind if I create Grasskit later? I don't have any StarClan cats yet. xD
</ooc>
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Post by ;lost&insecure; on Aug 6, 2008 8:17:05 GMT -5
[ooc:]I don't mind.[/ooc]
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Post by Tiger on Aug 6, 2008 10:25:28 GMT -5
"Duskfur," Quietshadow whispered, "I don't know if you think this, but neither of you are to blame. The most experienced queens lose kits as well as first-time mothers. Emberlight thinks Grasskit's death is her fault, in case you haven't noticed. She's not being very rational, but you can't expect her to be....Have some chamomile." He offered some of the herb to Duskfur, carefully grasping it between his toes.
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Post by lord of all yellow mice on Aug 6, 2008 15:55:01 GMT -5
Duskfur slowly licked up the crushed plant, trying to let the scent and taste comfort him. "I-I don't blame either of us for Grasskit's death," he meowed weakly. "Actually, I..." He trailed off, unsure whether he should mention what had felt guilty about earlier. Was it really so bad to be afraid of death? He would have thought any cat would feel the same way, but Emberlight... Emberlight had seemed to have thought of nothing but her son and the danger he was in, while Duskfur had been worried mostly for himself. "Do you think I could say anything to, well, help convince her it's not her fault?"
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Post by Tiger on Aug 6, 2008 16:09:42 GMT -5
"Yes. Anything and everything, Duskfur," meowed Quietshadow. "Anything and everything to convince her it isn't her fault, well, because it's not. Take some chamomile with you. I think it would be best for me to stay out here--she doesn't seem very pleased with me right now." He sighed softly. "It's times like these that makes you see why medicine cats can't have kits. Too much emotion, too much concern...both things that would pull us away from our duties to our Clan."
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Post by lord of all yellow mice on Aug 11, 2008 6:52:03 GMT -5
Without a verbal response, Duskfur gently scooped up the chamomile. Sometimes, he thought, he certainly wished he could avoid all those emotions as well. But, as he thought of Emberlight and her two surviving kits, he knew that - for now, at least - his duty should be to them.
He made for the nursery again, glancing uncertainly towards the medicine cat once more before slinking through the entrance.
"Emberlight?" he whispered, shaking as he moved forward. Anything to convince her it's not her fault... but how am I supposed to do that? He nudged the chamomile towards her, forcing a tiny smile.
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Post by ;lost&insecure; on Aug 11, 2008 7:05:41 GMT -5
Emberlight looked at Duskfur pushing the chamomile towards her. She sniffed it. "NO! I don't want herbs! I just want Grasskit back," she cried. She buried her nose in her paws. She didn't look at Duskfur. "This is all my fault. Don't try to convince me otherwise because it is. How could StarClan take such...such a precious thing? So small, so new to the world?" She let another mournful wail, muffled a little by her paws.
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Post by lord of all yellow mice on Aug 11, 2008 7:21:52 GMT -5
"Emberlight..." Duskfur meowed her name again, not knowing what else to say. He felt like a mouse-brain, standing in front of her, so clueless about what to do. He wasn't the type to comfort other cats - actually, he was often the one who needed the comforting. "Please don't think that way. If you're going to, it's really more my fault than it is yours - I was the one so unsure of what I was doing. The one who was too scared to help." He looked at his paws. "But Quietshadow said that Grasskit was born to weak to live. I don't think there's anything either of us could have done."
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Post by ;lost&insecure; on Aug 12, 2008 7:29:23 GMT -5
"There's always something!" she said sharply. She turned away from her mate, not wanting to here it anymore. "Stop blaming yourself because you didn't do anything wrong! You're not the one who brought Grasskit to this world and watched him go right back out." Then she turned to glare at him. "This is my fault. Stop pretending it wasn't." Then she let out another mournful wail and turned away again.
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Post by lord of all yellow mice on Aug 12, 2008 9:01:49 GMT -5
Duskfur tried his best to bite back the surge of annoyance that pulsed through him. Both of them had brought him into the world! And he would have been there to see him die, too, had he not been such a pathetic coward. But she's not thinking straight right now. StarClan, it's like our roles have suddenly been reversed. I need to help her... But what if I can't think of anything to say? He knew how difficult it was to comfort him when he got like this.
He wondered whether he should tell her about what had happened when he was an apprentice - that he knew what it was like to let a kit die. But... would that really help? And what if she became angry with him? He'd never be able to build up the courage to tell her.
He settled down next to her on the nursery floor. "I- I..." he stammered. I what? I know how she feels? Like that won't sound mouse-brained at all. "I'm sorry," he finished lamely, swatting himself inside. StarClan, what am I supposed to do?
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